Resume (comedy edition)

This page is incomplete, and to the best of my ‘Alan Bond’ memory, should not to be taken as 100% factual. It’s a resume reminder page reminding me I used to work hard. Doing the long drives in M1 traffic to and from Brisbane each day, etc.

Yeap, back in those bygone blue pill days when I didn’t know my taxes were being sent overseas to fund nut-balls ‘vowing to outgun Australia’

Who the hell would help pay for their own demise? In protest, I now ensure I stay under the yearly threshold.

  • 1983-84 After school paper run. Sorrento Newsagency (1.5km bicycle ride in the opposite direction from home) down all the shops to the former Gold Coast Council Chambers all for $2 an afternoon.
  • 1985-87 Fresh out of Benowa High, no drunken schoolies break on crack and meth, straight to work – Miami Smash Repairs, workshop all-rounder, car detailing, paint and panel shop goofer off-sider. Thanks Uncle John (RIP) for the hook up.
  • 1987-90 Wall and floor tiler off-sider. Thanks Uncle John (RIP) for that hook up too.
  • 1990-95 Self employed wall and floor tiler (back stuffed up)
  • 1995-98 DAVIS LIGHTING (Molendinar) production line assembly, Storeman, QLD wholesale phone sales and orders. Kinda unpopular after winning the Melbourne Cup sweeps three years in a row. One day I dropped everything and raced home (Tamborine Village) when the last GF rang crying. Never went back, too embarrassed to tell them the GF was crying over some former lover BS.
  • 1998-2003 break up with GF blues, woke to 9/11 truth, playing golf, living off my savings – chasing the golfers dream – nothing to show for it but 12 clubs and a 13.5 handicap. RIP Payne Stewart.
  • 2003-2005 savings run out – ‘work for the dole’ projects e.g. Heritage Park
  • 2005-2006 Bradken (Runcorn) train bogie assembly and dispatch loading via 30 ton fork lift. Had to quit after I lost my car license. (one XXXX Gold stubbie over the breathalyser)
  • 2007-2008 Coats Hire Maintenance Yard (Meadowbrook) Co-yardman, loading-unloading machinery / wash-bay / paint workshop off-sider. Long time senior yard-man ‘Lazy Les’, got the shits because I left him with nothing to do in-between his sneaky cigarette breaks – so he hired an elderly man to do my yard jobs and stuck me in the wash bay … so I quit.
  • 2009-2019 self-employed, very part time, small engine mechanic and sales. Work phone has more missed calls than answered calls. I do things when I feel like it.


  • Wall floor tiler
  • Storeman / Fork lift / Yardsman
  • Phone sales
  • Paint and panel shop offsider
  • Production line-assembly
  • Small engine mechanic / sales
  • Fitting / installing vehicle electronics
  • NASA stage hand / moon prop maker


  • Linux, Android, Windows
  • OS installs, removals, upgrades
  • Webmaster / hosting / server admin (Apache etc.)
  • PC building, repairs, fault finding
  • Software installation / removals
  • Virus, spy-ware, malware etc. removal
  • Firewalls
  • HD formatting, wiping, SSD upgrades, partitioning, testing, exchanges, backing up, recovery, secure destruction
  • ADSL / NBN router set-ups, LAN, WAN, WiFi
  • Printer set-ups, cable / WiFi
  • Network hubs, cable and WiFi
  • Dreamweaver (manual web page making)
  • FTP, POP, SMTP servers / client set-up
  • VPN, TOR and other spooky stuff.
  • WordPress / Drupal installing / operation on private servers.
  • Photoshop (troll image creation)
  • Word / OpenOffice
  • Audio editing (Audacity etc)
  • Video editors. (DaVinci / Sony Vegas etc)
  • Raspberry Pi / Kodi / security cameras


  • Music composition / guitar
  • Golf (real man’s game)
  • Those with XX chromosomes
  • Comedy movies / shows (Dave Chappelle for the win)
  • Becoming a sit down comedian
  • Becoming a musical joke like ‘The Chats’
  • Exposing Adam Weishaupt
  • Booze
  • Sleeping in until lunch time

Well, what are you waiting for? HIRE ME!!